“This is the best book I have ever read about sexual desire and why some couples just stop having sex, and what they can do about it. Come As You Are is an. An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. See all 6 questions about Come as You Are. Come as You Are: The Surprising New. Compre o livro Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will A lot of books about sex focus on those things; they tell you how many times per week .
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Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, , available at Book Depository with free delivery worldwide. Emily Nagoski, director of wellness education at Smith College. She teaches a course on women's sexuality. Her new book is, "Come As You. Worksheets from Come As You Are. Sexual Temperament Questionnaire · Sexual Cues Assessment Worksheet · Turning Off the Offs Worksheet · Sexy Contexts.
In reality, women and men are different. But wait. Women and men both experience orgasm, desire, and arousal, and men, too, can experience responsive desire, arousal nonconcordance, and lack of orgasm with penetration.
Women and men both can fall in love, fantasize, masturbate, feel puzzled about sex, and experience ecstatic pleasure. They both can ooze fluids, travel forbidden paths of sexual imagination, encounter the unexpected and startling ways that sex shows up in every domain of life—and confront the unexpected and startling ways that sex sometimes declines, politely or otherwise, to show up.
We think about our physiological behavior—blood flow and genital secretions and heart rate. We think about our social behavior—what we do in bed, whom we do it with, and how often. A lot of books about sex focus on those things; they tell you how many times per week the average couple has sex or they offer instructions on how to have an orgasm, and they can be helpful. What we want to know is why and how it came to be. Or were they never in love but were forced to marry, and finally became free when they divorced?
In the last decade of the twentieth century, researchers Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction developed a model of human sexual response that provides an organizing principle for understanding the true story of sex.
And the sensitivity of each component varies from person to person. This is the mechanism underlying the behavior—the why and the how. An apple tree can be healthy no matter what variety of apple it is—though one variety may need constant direct sunlight and another might enjoy some shade.
But it has different needs at each of those phases in its life. You, too, are healthy and normal at the start of your sexual development, as you grow, and as you bear the fruits of living with confidence and joy inside your body. We are all the same.
We are all different. We are all normal. The three chapters in the first part describe the basic hardware you were born with—a body, a brain, and a world.
In chapter 1, I talk about genitals—their parts, the meaning we impose on those parts, and the science that proves definitively that yes, your genitals are perfectly healthy and beautiful just as they are.
Chapter 2 details the sexual response mechanism in the brain—the dual control model of inhibition and excitation, or brakes and accelerator. Then in chapter 3, I introduce the ways that your sexual brakes and accelerator interact with the many other systems in your brain and environment, to shape whether a particular sensation or person turns you on, right now, in this moment. Chapter 4 focuses on two primary emotional systems, love and stress, and the surprising and contradictory ways they can influence your sexual responsiveness.
Then chapter 5 describes the cultural forces that shape and constrain sexual functioning, and how you can maximize the good things about this process and overcome the destructive things. Master the content in these chapters and your sexual life will transform—along with, quite possibly, the rest of your life. This is where we learn why arousal nonconcordance, which I mentioned earlier, is normal and healthy. If you or your partner have ever experienced a change in your interest in sex—increase or decrease—this is an important chapter for you.
And finally, in Chapter 9, I describe the single most important thing you can do to improve your sex life. Several chapters include worksheets or other interactive activities and exercises. All of them turn the science into something practical that can genuinely transform your sex life.
You can imagine each woman as a collage of snapshots—the face from one photograph, the arms from another, the feet from a third. Like all new ways of thinking, it opens up a lot of questions and challenges much preexisting knowledge. I want to take a moment to recognize the damage done by that lie. So many women come to my blog or to my class or to my public talks convinced that they are sexually broken.
They feel dysfunctional. And so the last 15 years, there's been this explosion of research on women's sexual well-being, more than in the 20 years before that, and what that research has told us in the search for the pink pill is that there's probably never going to be a pink pill Because the PDE5 inhibitors, which is what that class of drug is, increases blood flow to male genitals and it does exactly the same thing to female genitals.
Unfortunately, while there's about a 50 percent overlap between male genital response and how aroused he feels, for women, there's about a 10 percent overlap between blood flow to the genitals and how turned on she feels.
So, you can increase blood flow and it will not necessarily influence how aroused she feels. Women haven't developed a very thorough knowledge of their own bodies: EN: "Amazingly little has changed. Students walk into my class feeling very sophisticated, like they know a whole lot about sex, and what they know a lot about is what their culture has taught them about sex, and they know a lot about it. And that, it turns out, has very little relationship to what the science says about sex. So, halfway through my first lecture, which is about anatomy, they're sitting there with their jaws in their lap, having had their minds blown about, like, how big the clitoris actually is and what's the deal with the hymen.
Things they really thought they knew that it turns out, no. Desire for sex is very sensitive to context: EN: "There are some situations, and if anybody thinks back about their own sexual history, you'll be able to identify certain periods of your life when you had really high interest in sex compared to other periods, and sometimes when it was really not so much in place.
Some people are more consistent and stable across their lifespan, but for most people, it really changes a lot. There's a dual control model of sexual response: EN: "There's two parts to it, and one part is the gas pedal — or accelerator — which means the other part has to be the brake.
So, the accelerator responds to all the sexually relevant information in the environment — everything you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, or imagine that your brain codes as sexually relevant and it sends the "turn on" signal.
The brake, at the same time that that's happening, is noticing all the very good reasons not to be turned on right now — everything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste or imagine — that's a potential threat, and it sends a signal that says "turn off. If we want to change the "ons" and "offs," we have to relearn: EN: "There's a normal bell curve distribution of how sensitive the accelerator and the brakes are.
Most of us are just heaped up in the average section.
There are some people with extra sensitive, or insensitive accelerators and extra sensitive or not sensitive brakes — most of us are just average. And, from the moment we're born, our brains are learning what to count as sexually relevant and what to count as a potential threat, and that's what we can change.
There's almost nothing that's actually innately sexual, so we learn that and we can unlearn it and teach it something new. There are ways to treat pain during sex: EN: "Yeah, vaginismus is one of the most treatable forms of sexual pain.
So, a brief definition — vaginismus is chronic inhibitory tone of the pubococcygeus muscle, so the muscle at the mouth of the genitals is locked up tight.